I'm blowing everything up on purpose. I want them to hate me. I want Cal to hate me. I need them to. There's no way that they can want me around like they do.

let the bomb go off around me and watch the pieces fall. 

Unless...unless I have to do what I did before. I have to trade. I have to make them feel good. 
That's how it was before...before before before before 
And now its after
But it feels like in-between. 

And that's all that mattered was the in between. 
In between legs. Their legs. My legs. 

Maybe not this time. Maybe not. 

I can make you feel good. They made sure I knew how.

Lines.

 I've heard questions about "Do you look at the nude male form?" or "How do you feel about non sexual male nudity?" 

And my body freezes completely. I can feel hands that can cover my stomach on me, their fingers unsnapping and unzipping as my clothes are moved. I'm no longer an adult, I'm a child. All over again. 

"Be still boy and do as I say. "

The bigger man moves his body almost like a rag doll, he's learned to go limp. 

His hands are rough, he can feel the calluses on his finger tips and palms of his hands. Meanwhile a feminine voice cuts through the air, a drunken giggle. 

Oh. 

"Come here baby, my baby" 

Her arms open wide and he can see that she's bare, he doesn't want to go any further but he's lost control. He's not a person anymore, just a thing. 

I look down at my body now and I hate it all. I clench my fists and watch as the muscles move and some veins pop up. I tense my legs muscles to the point spasms. Just to feel something. 

I know my body is made up of long lines and sharp edges. Maybe one day I'll be able to smooth them down.

Touch.

Pretty Heavy Material in this one.

My mom abused me. 

its always there right under my skin and I can't deal with it.
I was easy bait when she had her clients over, they thought it was cute that I stayed up for my mom and how I was always doing push ups and showing off my muscles so I could protect her. Looking back I realize I was just putting myself on display, like "hey! check this out!"

What the fuck. 

I could feel my stomach muscles burn with every crunch I did and my arms would shake as I finished the 100 push ups I told myself I had to do. I had to stay strong, just in case...I had to protect my mom. Their eyes are on me, just flex...tighten up and then they'll see...they'll see how strong you are and they won't fuck with you. Cause they can't fuck with you.

She gets a boyfriend, summer before 2nd grade. He takes up the entire doorway and is nothing but muscle. He does exercises outside with some of the other guys in the neighborhood, they make it look like a prison yard. I can't get bigger, no matter how much I try. At night he ties me to my bed so I can't get out and disturb them when I hear them fucking at night.

The first time I orgasm is when they're both touching me. He's touching her between her legs and they're both touching me at the same time. I can't get away and I can't stop how it feels either. I want to cry when it happens, I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole. This can't be real life. 


I can't write anymore. 

Its fucked up. I don't hate my mom.

Tension.

You ever stretch a rubber band to see how tight you could get it before it snaps? Watch how it goes from completely slack to something you could walk across if you could shrink yourself down?I feel like I'm that rubber band. Tension. Tense.

The other night I dropped a glass bottle and watched it smash in slow motion on the driveway. The sound was music to my ears. I wanted to do it again. I needed to do it again. I wanted to fight. 

Fists. Beer bottles breaking over the sound of Touchtunes blasting whatever god awful music someone picked. Swing now. Ask questions never. This is my house. 

I have to be careful not to push myself. To be kind to myself. There's this fucked up part of my brain that keeps saying "Shut the fuck up p*ssy, go cry about it." Its what he used to say when I told him I didn't want to. I always had to.

I just want to relax. Without the breaking point.