Touch.

Pretty Heavy Material in this one.

My mom abused me. 

its always there right under my skin and I can't deal with it.
I was easy bait when she had her clients over, they thought it was cute that I stayed up for my mom and how I was always doing push ups and showing off my muscles so I could protect her. Looking back I realize I was just putting myself on display, like "hey! check this out!"

What the fuck. 

I could feel my stomach muscles burn with every crunch I did and my arms would shake as I finished the 100 push ups I told myself I had to do. I had to stay strong, just in case...I had to protect my mom. Their eyes are on me, just flex...tighten up and then they'll see...they'll see how strong you are and they won't fuck with you. Cause they can't fuck with you.

She gets a boyfriend, summer before 2nd grade. He takes up the entire doorway and is nothing but muscle. He does exercises outside with some of the other guys in the neighborhood, they make it look like a prison yard. I can't get bigger, no matter how much I try. At night he ties me to my bed so I can't get out and disturb them when I hear them fucking at night.

The first time I orgasm is when they're both touching me. He's touching her between her legs and they're both touching me at the same time. I can't get away and I can't stop how it feels either. I want to cry when it happens, I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole. This can't be real life. 


I can't write anymore. 

Its fucked up. I don't hate my mom.